Happy Birthday.

You at 36.

I don’t think I can even imagine it.

Today has been a bit painful. Lots of memories. Of yo-yos. And laundry. And Geography. And Green. And Home. And just of you. 

I opened a box yesterday of a game I haven’t played in ages. You had written your name on one of the game pieces. I didn’t know or remember. Tears. Another reminder that you really were here. And oh my. The sensation of you being a part of me. Like a literal limb. Missing. It hurts.

I love you. So very much.

Watch over birdman. Things can’t be good. 

Happy Birthday BB.

25.

Tragedy.

Sis of Biff died.

How is that even possible?

How do I know so many widows/widowers?

How are there so many babies without their mothers? Fathers?

How could parents endure the loss of not just one child, but two?

How do sisters die 10 years apart but 2 weeks after their son’s birthdays?

How sick and twisted is this story?

How disgusting is this world?

No more. Please, no more.

 

 

 

Today.

It still sucks. Even after ten whole years.

Loving and missing you more than ever.

More on all that later.

 

April 6, 2005

As I pack our house…

It makes me somewhat ill, but then again, I like to pack. Thinking of the day I leave here for the final time, it is very sad. Another finality of what would’ve/should’ve been. Going through all of the stuff. Wow, or should it be WOW. After you left, I put all of your toiletries awat under the sink in the newer bathroom. Today I am going through it, and so to document, so that I can throw it out. One of those things I need to have- but not really. First- the smelly vitamins, exp. in 3/02 Ha! Oji.bwa Mega B-100 yeast free B complex! Your white fluffy ball- never to manly to have that! The huge bottle of S.cope from ’01. The O. jib.wa B-12 exp 9/02 hehe. I think I should keep the meds still. I don’t know why you had 3 deoderants going- don’t keep deoderant for 4 years, it goo-ed up.

1- right guard xtreme sport ultra gel cool pack, must smell of you b/c it makes me cry.

2- right guard xtreme sport ultra gel clean impact

3- gilette series clear gel- cool wave- reminds me of your dad

Nice pill dispenser, I might use it if it gets that nasty vitamin smell out! Anyway, Irish Spring aloe soap- definitely you   The rest I keep. For now. I signed the Buick over to your bro. Holding back sobs. He is gonna fix it up and I know you would want that. Yikes, b-room sink plumbling looks scary! Will go for now. Loving you always, I will never forget. Your Wife, Buddy Girl

June 22, 2004

Looking at Grandma D.’s long spoons, I recalled how we were on a root beer float kick for awhile. After all, isn’t that what we stopped at Food Ca.stle for (ice cream/root beer), the night (“It’s too late, it’s too late”) I pooped up the stairs? We had just returned from Little Joe’s. Not sure I’ve been there many times since.

The one night that I made the toasted tuna sandwiches after you got home from work (11ish)- you were quite impressed by my culinary skills. Ha!

At the house, since I had imposed the no food on couches rule (SORRY!) we always sat on the floor 2 ft. from the TV. You on my left. I remember eating different times but the Tac.o B.ell night sticks out. We did Tac.o B.ell a lot. Remember the one trip (at the apt.) when your jerky training officer pulled us over? We were in the Olds, right? Then he felt bad and left that msg. for you at work – “You need to slow down, okay?” HA! HA!

The one time while the floor guy was here? Our bedroom door didn’t close all the way back then- one of the few s.e.x related memories I have. Do you remember the others?

Well, there was that one time when I had Biff’s boxers/gray tank on. I think I was cleaning but not for long. That led to the green room, right?

The time we tried to use the glow-in-the-dark co.ndo.m in Cancun. Didn’t workout so well. I think it was light out?! Nah, must have mixed ‘em up. You threw it towards the wall. Ha!

In the hot tub, I got out, “dressed up” and read “seven-up” while you sat there and stared out for the longest, most silent time, without speaking to me much and never checking to see what I was up to. Always seems bizarre to me. Not sure what happened then – ?

We loved to be athletic together, at least I did.

Rollerblading, running, biking, swimming, boating/tubing.

Tried to cuddle before bed, you wanted me to face your back and not vice versa!

The time when I was sunburned so badly and you got up in the middle of the night to go to Meijer for the Sol.arcaine Aloe!

 

July 16, 2002

Quite sometime, eh?

Should be getting ready for work at FL. Today is SIL’s bday. She is really great- wish we could all have had more time together. Lots of thoughts about babies lately. It really is so sad. Remember, I talked to you about it yessterday. Feelin’ really fat now as I ate horribly this morning. Watched you today. You make me laugh. I miss us. I feel so old- even write old. Your voice/face seemed so familiar- as it should! I miss you so much- Trying to keep my head up although I feel today is a continuation of the blah-ness from yesterday. Getting highlights. What do you think of that? Am sleepy now- procrastinating getting wet. Wish I could remember how real life/love life/happy life goes/feels. What have you been up to? I would love to know. Apparently you wanted to look at your car yesterday. The cover was off completely! Funny guy. Afraid my patience/caring is off kilter. Must be PMS as I started today! Yipee… Anyhoo- I love you, BB. I miss being able to tell youthat. Stay in touch. Literally! ‘Til we meet again.   Love, Me

January 10, 2002

Sometime last night you visited. I remember asking you if you remembered so and so (in relation to hospital upstairs). You told me you didn’t remember anything after being on the 2nd floor. I love you bunches, bud. I feel some sadness creeping in and filling up. I miss things that you knew about me. There is no one who cares to recognize my favorite things anymore. (e.g. Cape Cod White Cheddar Popcorn). I miss our intimacy. I miss my best friend. Still sort of seems unreal to me. Our time together was so short. I turned in our pics today. 3-4 wks. he said I will miss having those proofs around. I love you buddy. I will see you soon. Stay with me. Love you, too!

You Say.

“I love you too” – in response to my silence when those 3 words should have been said.

“Yea-yeah” – when you liked what you were seeing.

“1647, I’m back” -  radio talk

“Respect my authority” – Cartman as a police officer (South Park)

“Po-Po” – police

“Maplecrook” – apts.

“Because you’ve had a blowdryer to your head” – in response to my complaints of being hot while getting ready.

 

You Do.

Fart a lot- not while you’re eating- oh there are a few exceptions. eh?

Stand in bathroom and itch your butt- procastinating “getting wet”.

Your eyes always dilated when you were horny- believe me now?

Hug me, kiss me, hold my hand.

become angry when discussing your toes and/or feet!

in college, you like to throw your hat when you were angry. I can think of only 2x’s! I wonder what I had done to make you so mad?!

you loved to take care of cars esp. sports cars!

my hero- removing the dead bird at your 1st apt. you loved planting there too. Our impatiens grew so well!

that pencil twirling from Top Gun-

you drove by during work b/c I was worried about the neighbors yelling. Thanks!

January 6, 2002

Almost 3 mos. I can hardly believe it. Well, I bet you are tired after helping with the car today. Whew- I will be more careful. I think it is really wonderful, what is happening with “our” family. I feel at peace when I am with them. What do you think of me? There are so many things I realize you did for me that I never even knew. Thanks for all of your logical answers for all of the unlogical questions that I have. You have a lot of patience with me- as I have learned that I am relentless in a lot of ways. I was really thinking while examining your undies. They are so you to me and it is difficult to think that you won’t need them anymore. You know, I never in my life have had anyone as wonderful as you be so close and good to me. I suppose that is why I agreed to marry you! Ha. I miss having you to tell things to and gossip with and knowing you wouldn’t tell. I bet you had a good chuckle the other night when I was dreaming of kissing you and smacking the headboard instead. I know I say it a lot… I love you, too. You are such a good buddy boy and angel. You know how to do it all right. Sorry I melted your CD case. Probably made you really nervous, huh? So- what is this that B’L tells me? You have to know that it disappoints me. You should’ve known I would find out. I bet you are giving him a heck of a time now though, eh. Whatcha think about all of the stuff around here? Do you wonder what I have gotten into? You wonder what I have gotten into? I wish there was more moolah b/c there is so much I would like to do. I hope that you will let me know about this upcoming business because I know it will be very difficult. Sucks to know that I may have to re-live the worst experience of my existence. Need some guidance there and here to ! Want to play some Scrabble? No? Why not- Scared I’ll kick your butt again? No dictionary, cheater cheater pumpkin eater. I am getting sleepy! Have you been missing me? You probably get more of me now though, huh? I wouldlike to go for a very long walk withyou just to chat- although it would be very difficult to keep my hands off you. Maybe if we could hold hands, that would help. Your hands- big palm, short strong fingers. You have a birth mark on your ring finger on your right hand- had a dbl check though Well, although I could go on and on, I won’t . You know I love you. Keep hangin’ in there with me okay? I need to know you’ve got my back. Goodnight, “Love you, night, night.” Love you husband. Buddy Girl