When Hell Froze Over.

Picture it. Fall 2001.

BB died. Yeah, yeah.

The next day, my dad arrives at my house from out of state with his wife (who is not my mother).

Simply put, my mom and dad have a very strong relationship.

They are linked by my brother, myself and a thick cable of hatred.

I bet you know the type.

I don’t remember who else was at my house when they arrived. I just know I had on baby blue sheep pajamas, BB’s fisherman hat and that my mom was also at my house. Mark this as a super special occasion in my life. The only time they had been “together” that I could ever remember was at our wedding 6 weeks previous. That was an especially tense day and the wonderful state that is death made this time even better.

Who would have guessed that my parents would ever be in the same house together, (mine!), EVER.

I don’t remember much else about that day. But I do recall the following weekends how my dad and his other half would drive up and help me at the house. I know they assisted with other stuff but yard work was the thing that sticks out in my brain. Remember the GRASS post? One significant day, I think the week of the funeral, we (mom, brother, dad, stepper and myself) were “alone” together at my house. They were raking.

My mom later told me a few interesting things about this time in our lives.

1- my brother came out the day after BB died (good timing, idiot)

2- my dad said something to her like “so, I guess Hell finally froze over…” I am sure this dates back to a conversation they had in my childhood that I am not aware of but you get the point.

I think what really happened was that Hell got lukewarm but heated back up later that year. Things have been back to “normal” ever since.

The real reason for this particular post was two-fold.

One, I had a dream about BB. He was in jail… I am dreaming metaphorically these days I guess. The “charges” were dropped and just as I was about to call my lawyer to get him out of jail, he and his dad show up at our (BB and mine) house.  Interesting.

Two, sometime in the fall of 2001, after the hubbub died down (no pun intended). I remember being on my porch looking at the annoying plants and talking on the phone to my dad. He had started to call daily after BB died… That too ended. Anyhoot… he was telling me that his fav aunt had passed away. I never really knew/know his side of the family. He was saying something like he expected me to attend the viewing/funeral in his place or something like that. I was flabbergasted as back in the day and years following pretty much any mention of funeral homes, hospitals, etc. made me get all shaky/hyperventilaty feeling. I told him in no way would I do that and that it was just too soon.

He quickly remembered what trauma I was going through (how could you forget?) and backpedaled out of that conversation really quickly.

It is not like I wouldn’t typically do something like that for someone. I will do a lot for those I care for. Everybody has limits though and back then I was learning how to redefine all of mine.

I hate being forced to do crap like that.

Stupid death. Stupid selfish people. Stupid Stupid Stupid.

I’m just saying…

I miss you.

Woke up extra early today. Laid in bed thinking about you. I noticed I was laying in the same spot and position as you had been in a pic I have of you back at our house.

So then I started thinking of that opening line to the book. I decided a working title could be something like “My Heart”. Then I considered opening with something to do with the aftermath stuff. I mean, the negligence. Or something to do with my feelings as I was to be called or something dramatic about looking out at the room/people blah blah blah. It always sounds really good and intriguing in my head.

Today is the day that Biffy died. It bites me. I also thought of her as I laid in bed. About the bagel she asked her dad to share with her that morning as the sun was rising. About how he declined and regretted it later. On something, it said that the time she died was 10:41a. Whether it was or not, that is more often than not, the time that it is when I look at a clock. It is ridiculous and makes me mad because it is like a small form of punishment. Pretty much daily.

I remember when she died. I called you. You were working. I can’t remember if you didn’t offer or if you were unable to come to me. I sort of think it was a combo of the two. You reacted in such a surprising way– not really understanding or compassionate. The next day I think of looking out the window and just crying. I feel like it was raining but later that day as I drove up north, it was dry so I am not sure.

The green paint.

The stories.

Her mom outside when we arrived and she was wandering around her yard. Upon seeing us, she just started sobbing. So ridiculously painful.

Today though, not common for the last eight years, I was looking forward to today. There is a special event tonight. I am so happy. Hopefully the memories from tonight will help to put a new light onto things. I think that was probably suppose to be the case six years ago today as well but it wasn’t me getting the gift that day.

This is all rather unfortunate. And so very sad.

I love you.

Blue jeans and a white t-shirt.

BB,

I am missing you something fierce. You and me, we’s like peas and carrots. I don’t know what it is about this time or why it is that I can’t get you off of my mind. I am participating with Relay for Life this weekend. I uploaded a pic to my site of us. The married us, a month before you died. Oh, do I miss you.

I remember when you would come home from work. Coming in the door (memories mostly from the apt. and not the house) wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Even though you were sweaty, tired and sometimes not in the greatest mood, you looked so sexy. Even when all you wore was sweats and a tee with slippers (back in college) you were IT.

M. talked to a neighbor yesterday who works for your former employer. That sentence in and of itself makes me wonder… Did time stop for you when you died so it would be your employer? Or, do you know what is going on and are aware that you don’t work for them now how you used to? UGH. Anyway, even though this person has only been there six years, she knew of you. M. said “my best friend’s husband used to work for “them”. The chick responded… you mean BB?

I was thinking how luck of the dept. has in fact sucked and I am sure my knowlege is quite limited:

Vehicle accident killing officer off-duty

Motorcycle accident severely injuring/disabling off-duty officer

You and your stuff

On duty officer en route to a call hitting and killing 2 people

And the dept. is so small… SO sad.

Anyway, I love you.

Apparently as I have been told, my eyes reveal my wounded soul… nothing has changed. Love you always.

YBG

Rubber guns

When you are a police academy recruit, they don’t just turn “sidearms” over to you when you are practicing being a cop. They will allow you to practice shooting with a real gun at the firing range, but that is about it. The rest of the time, you are given a little red rubber gun that is really an actual mold of such weapon.

BB had “night problems” in which his academy deployed to a local university campus and had to act out scenarios put on by neighborhood police departments and the academy. The guys were able to drive cruisers (at speeds much too exhilirating) and pretend to chase down the bad guys and so forth. The university that this all took place at just happened to be the one BB had graduated from and the one I was attending during the time BB spent in the academy. Lucky for me, I knew too much! BB had been illegally living in my dorm room with me and I knew his schedule like the back of my hand. So, the nights he had night problems sucked because it was after a long day doing the regular academy stuff, ran into our time together and was just a pain in general. Anyhoot…

On the evening of night problems after BB had left, I decided to go and chase them down via my trusty bicycle. The guys were broken down into groups but lucky me, I came across his group first. I stayed just far enough away and hid inside one of the college buildings so I could keep my eye on him and see what was up. It was sort of fun being all secretive. He never knew that I had planned that and never saw me there that night. I was only able to watch for a bit because the darkness was coming in and it would probably have been too dangerous for my bike to be out and about in the southerly, less traffic-ed areas of campus.

I digress.

The little red gun, right? Well an obvious requirement of recruits is to be able to shoot a gun fairly accurately.  In order to account for such things, they had different firing range levels that they had to pass. They shot at this black and white picture of a guy that was taped up to a target opposite of where they were standing. BB had no problem with most of his shooting. Then he encountered a range that gave him troubles. He tried that first day, was given multiple chances and couldn’t pass. The stress set in. The next opportunity they gave him, same thing except he knew that if he could not pass the next time, he was pretty much done in the academy. Talk about pressure, right?

The eve of the last time he went to shoot, he slept with the little red rubber gun. He said that all during his high school football playing years, he would sleep cradling the football and it seemed to do the trick for the next day’s game. I just went with that… how can you argue with such logic, right?

Not sure what the circumstances were that day but I was back at home and he was still in the city where the academy was for the day. I remember waiting to hear from him because I was SO nervous that he wouldn’t pass. The implications of that day were ridiculous. If he failed, he would fail the academy and not be able to pursue the profession he had dreamed about since he was 16. If he passed, it would be the next step to something great happening in his professional life and the key to opening the door to our future together.

I remember being in the kitchen doing something and was sure I heard a car in the driveway. I ran to the front door and there he was in his little academy get-up SMILING! The hug that followed, the relief and the excitement still bring tears to my eyes. I felt so happy for him. It was amazing. 

The rest of the academy went along swimmingly. He studied, he succeeded as he did at almost everything he attempted or put his mind to. He graduated from the police academy in April of 2000.

It was a very happy day.

Guilt all the way to God

I can still feel guilt for not posting “Happy Birthday” on his birthday, right?

Seriously, I have to let go of these things.

Since a reader asked, BB stands for “Buddy Boy”. I think I typed it somewhere in here a long time ago.

I am sorry that I sucketh with updates. Home life is SO busy with a toddler. Work filtered out blogs so I can no longer post there which is what I had done in the past. I try and keep this quiet at home. I guess it is like my own little private journal.

I think I have been taking the approach lately of not trying to think of things. Well either that or I simply don’t need to think of things. When we were in the area as of late, FRU suggested a visit to the cemetery. I DID NOT want to go. That is unlike me which is why I am going with the trying not to think of things option.

January is a big month for BB’s family. His birthday, his brother’s, his Grandpa’s, his mom’s and his niece’s are all within about 2 weeks of each other. This means lots of family time. We already had the Christmas celebration and the other niece’s birthday just last month. I am surely seeing lots of them!

FRU had a meltdown when we traveled over the holidays. He is still grieving his mom who passed away a few months before BB. He has pretty much coped with it in unhealthy ways and will begin counseling tomorrow which is a GREAT thing. I have high hopes for some positive changes in that respect.

Not to get too spiritual or anything but I do believe in God, have a personal relationship with Jesus… I have sort of had a message driven home to me in different ways lately. I feel like it is just the tip of the iceberg though in regard to what I am about to learn.

Here goes…

We bought a house just before we got married. I thought it was a good decision. I was pretty happy in the house for 4-5 mos.  I was fairly happy in the area although it was far from work. It is pretty, it is was new. But for the last 2 years, I have mostly HATED it here. I feel trapped. I dislike the neighborhood, dislike the area, dislike the commute to work and dislike being so far from any support system on either side of the “family”.  Mostly I focus on how crappy it is that we will never get out of here as the housing crash hit just after we purchased this place and the builder cannot fill this phase let alone the next 2 that he has committed to build. So, people trying to sell their now used homes have to compete with the builder’s new models and all-the-time-lowering prices. Add to that the complete economic breakdown of our state and country and our house is worth a whole lot less than what we paid for it. To sell it and move to a more favorable place, we would lose our butts and have no $$ left for a down payment elsewhere. I know it isn’t the end of the world but please consider the money in this house comes straight out of the aforementioned aftermath. I just can’t see blowing that away.

So, we are stuck. Trapped!

It occurred to me the other day that everything happens for a reason. Yes, even the widow in me can own up to that one. That our living in this very house, in this very area, so despised- is for some kind of reason. Then our pastor started talking about the treasure principle- you can’t take it with you and such. That God has a plan, a purpose for my life. Maybe HE tried to tell us it wasn’t the right choice, maybe HE didn’t. Regardless, he knows the outcome of this move. Maybe HE will direct us to move and bite the financial bullet at some point. I know I don’t think I want to be here too much longer but maybe that isn’t what HE wants for me/us.  We are here now. We have been blessed with a roof, heat, jobs, family and so much more. So it isn’t a more modest (yeah, I hope for a smaller house next), older ranch home with brick on its’ exterior. It doesn’t have a fancy tub for me to lounge in or a fenced yard and storage shed for all our junk. There is no finished basement or a view of the lake. I pray that I hear loud and clear when I need to move on.

Keep your fingers crossed on that one.

Old friends

About two weeks ago BB’s best friend was in from out of state visiting BB’s family. I made it a point to pop in to see him. He has had a rough go of it with the loss of his mother too. He didn’t look all that great to me. Seemed tired or worn out or something. We finally got a chance to talk one on one and he told me how the last years have gone for him. I gave him my email and he said he would get in touch when he got back home.

He was true to his word and we have been exchanging emails since. He said some of the most touching things to me in his last email. Some of it I have heard before but coming from BB’s bestest bud, it just meant so much more. He also answered the email questions and I will get to that sometime soon. I hope we are able to keep up with each other. I know BB would be proud.

More to come later. Gotta run for now.

my original email

*Although I fully intend for you to actually read this, there are questions at the bottom I want you to answer if you either a) can’t deal at the moment or b) aren’t much of a reader*

 

As I sat here checking the contacts for this email, my heart began to race and my hands began to tremble. You know, those sorts of things that happen when you become anxious and feel like you want to faint. Yup, that’s me.

 

Today, marks the 7th anniversary of BB’s departure from our lives. How can it possibly have been seven years? In some ways it seems like it was 2 minutes ago and in others as if it has been about 289 years.

 

Anyhoot-

 

In 2002, I decided to put an ‘in memoriam’ ad in the Journal. This will be the first year that I have not done so. You see, every year, I become a crazy person trying to figure out the “perfect” blurb to send in. I feel the pressure to say so much in too few words and it never says enough. Plus, I get wrapped up with the whole who is it exactly that I am writing to? Does anyone even notice? Does it matter? It seems like it should be addressed to BB himself but I figured that if he can read his ‘in memoriam’ ad then he is probably right on top of email and would appreciate it all the same.   My dear friend has been bombarded with me asking her what to write about and has to listen to me complain about the whole thing for weeks proceeding doomsday. This year she asked me why. Why do I do it? I told her something like this…

 

I don’t want people thinking that I have forgotten. That just because I go about my days and live my life that he is very far from my thoughts or anything that I do. That if I could rewind and change a billion things, that I absolutely would.

 

She simply asked me if I was doing it for the right reasons and I realized, I am not. She suggested starting something new and even helped with some ideas for this very novel you are reading. And so it goes… Will you take part in remembering BB with me? I would love it if you would add to this email with your own thoughts/experiences/memories. It would be especially neat if I could share your comments with others as they are collected. Please let me know if this is okay.

 

The ugly…

Leukemia can bite my crank (a BB saying). On 10/6/01 whilst in the hospital, BB and I had planned to watch the Cold War.  It was to be a bright spot in a miserable week. Cold War you ask? Well, MSU was playing a hockey game outdoors at Spartan Stadium. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cold_War_(ice_hockey) It was a big deal you see. Wouldn’t you know it, we didn’t ever really get to watch it because BB was rushed to the ICU hours before it started and things just didn’t go the way we had planned. I could go on and on here but I know we were all “there” together.

 

Every year as the season changes to fall, it all comes back. Sometimes it is bad, really bad. Sometimes it is a constant, dull ache. The sound of windchimes, once it is cold out, reminds me of those lonely nights at my house in ‘01. Lying in bed and hearing mine bang the metal posts of my porch. That creates an anxiety all of its own. The furnace kicking on does the same. Strange, huh? Can you relate?

 

I used to go to the cemetary every single day after he died. I thought, if he were alive I would be with him everyday. Why should this be any different? Sometimes I would just sit there. Amazingly, during the really bad times, someone would show up out of no where. I know they must have been grieving all the same but you really should know just how much that meant to me- to have you there.

 

One time I was trying to assemble a desk at home and I could not do it- I was so frustrated. I just started sobbing because I was thinking if BB had been there, I wouldn’t be having to do it alone. I was so overwhelmed with so many things that the very smallest thing would set me off. I couldn’t take it. And then, there was my friend, popping in for a visit when he lived 25 minutes away. Hugs to you, my friend.

 

I don’t know your personal feelings or beliefs on something like this but I know that BB visited me after he died. It happened the first time that I was alone in my house. I was waking up from sleeping and I know he was there. I know he was telling me goodbye. I can’t explain it. I didn’t see him, I felt him. I sound like a quack here, but that is how it was. That experience has helped me more than you can imagine. I know he is ‘okay’. 

 

Did you know that at the funeral home during the viewing that a flower arrangement toppled over all on its own off of a stand? Seriously, do you remember all of those flowers? The thing misses all the others and just hits the floor. Oddly enough it was from someone that BB didn’t think too highly of (not family or friends). Heh. Anyone remember that happening? BB’s good buddy was up doing the guard thing at that time and my mom had just walked up to talk to him (by not talking to him directly) and said his name as BB used to (like the character on South Park that says “TIMMY!”). Tell me that was just all a coincidence…

 

Okay, enough of the death stuff.

 

I love him. 

 

I love him like you can’t even imagine.

 

There isn’t one day that I don’t think of him.

 

I still wear my rings and am proud to have his last name.

 

BB taught me so much in the time we were together, even still I suppose. He was a caring person and a gentle man. He had a love for life and his family and was a home-body (like someone else I know). 

 

More about us…

BB had dated a girl for about 3 mos. (his longest relationship) in the time before me. My dating record was pretty much the same. He and I met in a Geography class at community college. As it turned out, I thought he was hot… I watched him reach forward to help with the projector one day and his shirt went up a bit and I was like OH MY (TMI for family, I know). I told my friend that I liked this guy and she walked by one day to see who it was and low and behold it was someone she knew and had been in a class with the previous semester. We planned it out the next class day for her to come in to see me and then sort of introduce us. After that introductory day, he sat by me for the rest of the semester which was about a week or so. HA. Being the introvert that I am, I was freaking out because I wanted him to ask me out. I decided that after our final exam, I was going to say something to him. I was a nervous wreck. I had to time our finishing our exams and stuff. So, as we are walking to the parking ramp I ask him if he wants to do something sometime. He responds with “Yeah, give me your number and you can talk to *my friend’s name* and we can cook something up”. WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN? I gave him my number but then worried that he didn’t like me since he wanted my friend to come too?! He called me a few days later and there was no talk of her so I was relieved! Maybe he had just been nervous?

 

He hugged me after our second date at Don Pablos. Woohoo (another BB thing)!

 

Things took off from there. We were engaged on my birthday in 2000 and married in 2001.

 

Of course it isn’t all that concise and yes, we had 2 really bad arguments over things I don’t even remember. I know that when BB got really mad, he threw his hat across the room. Once was in college and the other on 7/28/01. I know because I took a picture of the flowers he bought me afterward.   We had a good relationship. I could go on and on.

 

My questions to you…

 

How did you meet him?

Will you share a funny memory of him?

A sentimental memory?

Any special habits you remember that he had?

Any little known facts about him?

What was something that he did for you or said to you?

What was something you remember that he loved?

 

 

As if I haven’t rambled on long enough, I’ll start.

 

 

Will you share a funny memory of him?

BB thought he was really funny. I mean he was funny and all but I remember one time when we were at his mom and dad’s house all hanging in the dining room and he and his brother were talking about something. BB always became suddenly more witty in situations like that and I just remember laughing so hard. Like, where did THIS guy come from?

 

A sentimental memory? 

You know how you can say you are happy for someone when something good happens for them? That even though you really are happy for them that it is just more of a superficial type of response?  I remember the first time that I felt happy for someone and felt it so deep down that it was ridiculous. While BB was in the police academy, he had a bit of difficulty passing one of this shooting tests. I think it was a 15ft test. If he hadn’t of passed that, he would have failed. It was his 3rd and final attempt. It was so stressful. Anyway, when he finished that day, he came over and I heard the door open and rushed out when I saw it was him because I was worried. I could tell he had passed and we just hugged and I was so proud and so happy. It was like we were being given the go ahead to our future. The last hurdle was in the past.This is something I have always thought about. I don’t think I did it justice by describing it.

 

Any special habits you remember that BB had?

 He learned to twirl his pencil like Tom Cruise did in Top Gun. He did it all the time. He also bit his nails.

 

Any little known facts about him?

 He slept with his red rubber gun the night before the shoot thing mentioned above. He said he always slept with the football in high school the night before a game and it seemed to work…

 

We were going to name our daughter, when we had one, Kaeley Jo.

 

He loved pizza.

And licorice.

And POP.

 

What was something that he did for you or said to you?

BB was my hero. He was my best friend. He was my strength. He was my world.  Using the word was here has made me get a bit too philosophical. I will stop thinking. 

 

 

Anything else you would like to add? I hope to hear from you. It means a lot to me when people ask me questions about BB. I like to talk about him. I know a handful of you never got to actually meet him but I figured you might like to read all the mumbo jumbo.

 

Love and hugs to everyone. (I made it through, no tears!)

 

The day has passed.

So, I didn’t do the in memoriam ad after all.

My friend gave me the idea to start an email to friends/family and to have people answer some questions and share their memories of my DH. It was a fabulous plan. Instead of focusing on all the negative stuff, I got to read about him through others. I will eventually post some of that stuff here but it will take some time to sort and edit through it all.

This was the first year that I haven’t been out of my mind during the seasonal change and the deathaversary. I think having the baby helped to keep my mind occupied but you just never know when it will pop up.

Two strange things happened the day before the 7th.

1. One of our smoke alarms started beeping as if it needed new batteries. Then it stopped. Then it started again. FRU got it down and took out the old battery to make it stop beeping. Um, no. It kept beeping for another half hour or so. I am not sure how that is possible but who knows?!

2. Since it is late, I am drawing a blank on the 2nd thing. I will try and remember and post it later. What a space cadet am I?!

Procrastinating a bit.

I have not yet submitted the thing for the paper. I just can’t seem to do it. If I don’t do it today, there will be troubles with print dates and such so I HAVE to do it now. UGH.

I woke up this AM feeling those feelings of dread. I dreamt about him although it was a weird dream. The feelings were there but I didn’t really spend time with him. Makes me so sad.

I have been doing fairly well keeping those ‘7 years ago today I was…’ thoughts out of my head. Yeah, me!

There are things to do today so that should help to keep my mind straight. Or not. We’ll see.

Really.

The way your hair used to be after being under a hat all day

so soft.

The way that your green eyes smiled

at me.

Though it has been nearly 7 long years

it is like yesterday.

There are so many thoughts I have

no one to tell.

Seven years ago tomorrow

you gave me a special birthday gift.

Then you went to work

to protect and serve.

I wish I could have kept you at home

with me

and protected you from it all.

Saying ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’

doesn’t cut it.

What will I do without you?

Really.