The Aftermath
April 16, 2008
Anger? Or is it fear? Sadness? My emotions are all mixed up.
A few days ago I talked with someone on the phone that I didn’t expect to talk to. I only knew this person because of my husband’s death and the aftermath. I used to get all shaky when someone asked to me recount something from the hours before his death. I think I got over that but found I can still get shaky even after all these years when I am forced to think about that aftermath stuff. The conversation really bothered me but he was never even brought up once. So, that is where it began. He has been in my thoughts for days. Heavily and not always at the right times. It really is an awkward thing when you are being intimate with someone and thinking of an experience with someone else. Ever happen to you?
Today I came across a name. I am SURE I know this name or this person from some place. Hours later I got to thinking that quite possibly it was the name of a nurse that cared for my husband and screwed us over in that aftermath stuff. I spent 20 minutes or so digging through his chart for the last name. I knew the first name was the same. Turns out it wasn’t her and I am relieved in so many ways that you don’t even know. Of course, looking through the chart brings up stuff and churns it all around. The strip showing his heart problems at the end or all of the times the word ‘expired’ was on there. How about the highlighted areas my mom came up with about questionable things in that chart. It is all quite lovely. Apparently they inserted a central line one minute before he died. Never knew that before. How long would they have worked on him? His dad made them stop when they did and knowing that they were just about to try something else makes me wonder and fall in the deep dark hole full of would of/could of/maybe/might have and ifs.
So sad.
But, it is hard to be sad and think of these things when life is continuing anyway. At the time I was tearing that chart apart, I was suppose to be helping feed my child. What is the matter with me?! It is all so jumbled up. The thoughts are swirling. Sometimes I worry about what I type here and who might come across it but then again, it has been weeks since I started this blog and not one person has read it besides myself.
I have read it and I cry with you. You are brave for putting your thoughts out there for others to benefit from, and for your own healing, in whatever way and form it takes. And grief does take time, everyone’s own time and way. I hope your grief takes you carefully down the road, with a miminum amount of pain. I wish you well. Elaine.