Things that make you wonder

This has been a tough few weeks for me. I haven’t been doing very well in regard to my anxiety level and what I now know was PMS related junk.

I haven’t had any of these sort of strange things happen to me in YEARS I would say but on Thursday night I got home from work and walked into my bedroom. As I was turning to do something, I heard a noise in the bathroom which I knew well to be the ends of the blind strings tapping together. When I glanced at them, they were still moving. I was shocked. The window was closed. No breeze in there. No one else in there but little old me. I told FRU to come and see and when I tried to hit them to repeat the noise, my tap made the whole blind move, not just the strings… hmph.

Fast forward to Saturday, I am mowing the remainder of our grass and it is threatening to rain. FRU is outside with me and baby. I feel a drop of rain on my neck. I question myself, was that rain? Just that one drop until several minutes later one falls just above my wedding rings on my right hand. Then another just above my lips and that is it. Later I asked FRU if it rained on him outside, he says no.

Since the beginning, I have always believed that my buddy boy is near me. I think he makes himself more known at certain times than others. I haven’t yet picked up on the pattern if there is one. Seemingly, I have plenty of time to figure it out and keep wondering.

and another thing

Back in my widowhead days, I was quite odd. I am certain my neighbors thought I had bought a one way ticket to the loony farm.

Jan. of 2003, we had a really bad ice storm. The home I lived in was surrounded by old trees. Naturally, I had MANY limbs down in my yard. The thing was, I didn’t have any help to take care of them. So, I dragged them all into a HUGE pile next to the garage. A few months went by and I decided I needed to do something with them. I figured if I chopped up the wood, I could store some in the garage for the fireplace and use some for the fire pit in the backyard. The remaining wood I thought I would just drag into mosquito haven, swampy mess, my backyard. How doesone cut wood? Hmmm. I had this really old hand saw but that didn’t do the trick for the huge ones. Off I went to Home Depot. Looked around at the chain saws not knowing what the heck I was doing but knowing I didn’t want a gas one because it would smell and because it would be too heavy for me to work with. I came home the proud owner of a 100 buck, electrical chain saw. In the first day, I sawed through an electrical cord and many branches. My kind, kind neighbor sent his boys over to help me drag the pieces away. Thank you, thank you, thank you. That same neighbor eventually helped me with my lawn mower once AND collected neighborhood donations for me after the big dying episode and stuff. I should write them a letter. I digress…

So, I am chainsawing away so much that I have pretty much destroyed the chainsaw. The chain kept loosening and I had no idea at the time that you have to replace them after so much use. I ended up tightening the chain so much that I broke the knob used to tighten it. I did manage in the summer to use it one last time to, just for the fun of it, saw a 2 ft. around, 25 ft. long branch off a tree in front of the house. It almost crashed through a window in the basement but I guess I was having a spurt of luck that day. You think that is funny?

That very same ice storm broke this one branch on the aforementioned tree directly over the entrance to my house. I didn’t like it that it never fell and just swung there. I found that I could not reach it from the roof either… another thing I used to do. Climb the antenna in the back to get on the roof of the house. Sometimes alone, sometimes with friends, just for the fun of it. Anyway, I found one day that if I stretched the garden hoe up, I could catch it on the limb and pull. This was certainly going to get it down, right? I jumped with the hoe in hand and swung while holding on but all that happened was the hoe breaking and me falling to the ground. Heh heh.

I suppose in the end it was a good thing that the chainsaw broke. I had big plans for cutting down a 20+ ft. half burned pine tree in my front yard.

Today is a new day

I have had a pretty rough go of it the last 4 days or so. Today though, the sun is shining and I have made a to-do list. Hopefully this will keep my mind busy and my attitude better.

I am not usually the kind of person that avoids calls and has to fake being me on the ones I accept.

I think I dreamed of him a few days ago and that sort of started the downward spiral. Well, that and playing some ‘us’ music. I haven’t listened to our song in ages and that didn’t affect me as much as another did. It is called Every Now and Then by Garth Brooks. I cried most the way to work and had to suck it up quick prior to going in. After that and being SO tired from work, I had just had it. I notice when I am tired and hungry I am the weakest and I don’t remember much of the loooong commute home that day. The next day I vented to some friends through email and of course they told me to call if I needed to talk- not such an easy task. One called me the following day to check on me and I just couldn’t answer. Same day my dad called though and of course I had to take that one (didn’t have much choice as FRU answered and brought the phone to me). He was shooting the breeze and I just didn’t have the patience for that but couldn’t exactly come out with it and let him know just how miserable I was feeling.

I think sleep helped. I felt better yesterday and today, so far, even more so. OH, part of the whole thing had to do with the aforementioned in-law situation. My MIL did eventually answer my email and although she didn’t address the specifics of what I said about my husband, she did welcome me to share with her at anytime. I might have to do that. I believe I will be visiting with them on Mother’s Day so I have that to look forward to. Subconsciously, knowing that things were okay with us seems to have helped me greatly.

As I usually seem to write about the past, it is strange to focus on current happenings. Grief is like that though. You don’t really ever get over it, get through it or get ‘closure’. It is more like an unending wave. Some days you are sitting on top, riding it out, catching glimpses of the sun and other days, you are stuck in an undertow getting dragged against rocks and drowning. May this current last awhile and leave me in a calmer sea.