Procrastinating a bit.

I have not yet submitted the thing for the paper. I just can’t seem to do it. If I don’t do it today, there will be troubles with print dates and such so I HAVE to do it now. UGH.

I woke up this AM feeling those feelings of dread. I dreamt about him although it was a weird dream. The feelings were there but I didn’t really spend time with him. Makes me so sad.

I have been doing fairly well keeping those ‘7 years ago today I was…’ thoughts out of my head. Yeah, me!

There are things to do today so that should help to keep my mind straight. Or not. We’ll see.

Really.

The way your hair used to be after being under a hat all day

so soft.

The way that your green eyes smiled

at me.

Though it has been nearly 7 long years

it is like yesterday.

There are so many thoughts I have

no one to tell.

Seven years ago tomorrow

you gave me a special birthday gift.

Then you went to work

to protect and serve.

I wish I could have kept you at home

with me

and protected you from it all.

Saying ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’

doesn’t cut it.

What will I do without you?

Really.

Incomplete.

As I laid in bed last night, I started to think about what buddy boy’s arms looked like. At first, I couldn’t conjure up the memory. As I thought about it though, there they were. Strong.

I suppose that and the fact that today is his dad’s birthday brought him to me in my dreams last night. I remember looking at shirts or something and he was with me. It is always funny how in my dreams I am very aware of the fact that he isn’t *suppose* to be “alive”. I remember telling him to come into my room with me. He assumed I had something to tell him. I just wanted to be close. I remember kissing him. It was like coming home.

My baby boy crying through the monitor brought me right back to reality. As I have tried to process this since waking, I can’t quite get my head around it. I miss him beyond words. I miss his touch, I miss holding hands. Funny how I can still remember exactly what that feels like. He had really big palms and shorter fingers where my palms are pretty average with longer fingers. We held hands a lot.

After listening to FRU attend to the baby, I wanted to not be alone with these thoughts anymore. He came back to our bedroom and I told him I needed a hug. He kept asking ‘is everything alright?’ I wanted to break down and start sobbing but I held it in and told him why I felt bad. He said, ‘you love him very much’ or something like that. How awkward. I did cry a bit after he got in the shower. It is just so hard.

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Every year I put an ‘in memorium’ piece in the hometown newspaper. Each year I have struggled to find things to say. I HATE it that they charge so much and I have, at this point, decided not to let them take advantage of me. Every year I have run a picture with some kind of saying and of course the dates. I do not want to spend all of that money. I am procrastinating about it but will have to make a decision soon.

The right obituary.

Never knew how the whole obituary thing actually worked. I have long enjoyed reading them. Weird, I know. My friends say I am like an old person. That is true in so many ways-  another story, another day. Well, the day we went to the FH to do the FH sorts of things, the guy who was helping us (went to school with buddy boy) started asking for the facts and so forth for the obit. Lovely. I have always hated how they say so and so died. It makes you wonder, WHAT FROM? HOW? Buddy Boy’s ended up being no different. I told them I would supply the picture for the paper. That is where we are heading today.

I figured I would use one of the pics from our wedding proofs since they were pretty much the most recent phots we had. I found my fav of the 2 of us and asked a friend to take it up to the paper. In all my anger and sadness, I decided I wanted them to run it as it was- both of us. I thought since we never got to put our marriage announcement and pic in the paper that this was the next best thing. I was pretty excited to see it actually. So, someone brings it up to me at the FH the first day (viewing). I was SO ticked… they had cropped me out entirely. Oh my. It was like a whole can of salt being poured into my bleeding open wound. Somehow someone took care of it and the next day the obit pic was changed to the one of us both. I felt better about it but still. I bet people probably thought I was off my rocker. Made perfect sense to me at the time and I don’t regret it now.

Oh the sadness.