my original email

*Although I fully intend for you to actually read this, there are questions at the bottom I want you to answer if you either a) can’t deal at the moment or b) aren’t much of a reader*

 

As I sat here checking the contacts for this email, my heart began to race and my hands began to tremble. You know, those sorts of things that happen when you become anxious and feel like you want to faint. Yup, that’s me.

 

Today, marks the 7th anniversary of BB’s departure from our lives. How can it possibly have been seven years? In some ways it seems like it was 2 minutes ago and in others as if it has been about 289 years.

 

Anyhoot-

 

In 2002, I decided to put an ‘in memoriam’ ad in the Journal. This will be the first year that I have not done so. You see, every year, I become a crazy person trying to figure out the “perfect” blurb to send in. I feel the pressure to say so much in too few words and it never says enough. Plus, I get wrapped up with the whole who is it exactly that I am writing to? Does anyone even notice? Does it matter? It seems like it should be addressed to BB himself but I figured that if he can read his ‘in memoriam’ ad then he is probably right on top of email and would appreciate it all the same.   My dear friend has been bombarded with me asking her what to write about and has to listen to me complain about the whole thing for weeks proceeding doomsday. This year she asked me why. Why do I do it? I told her something like this…

 

I don’t want people thinking that I have forgotten. That just because I go about my days and live my life that he is very far from my thoughts or anything that I do. That if I could rewind and change a billion things, that I absolutely would.

 

She simply asked me if I was doing it for the right reasons and I realized, I am not. She suggested starting something new and even helped with some ideas for this very novel you are reading. And so it goes… Will you take part in remembering BB with me? I would love it if you would add to this email with your own thoughts/experiences/memories. It would be especially neat if I could share your comments with others as they are collected. Please let me know if this is okay.

 

The ugly…

Leukemia can bite my crank (a BB saying). On 10/6/01 whilst in the hospital, BB and I had planned to watch the Cold War.  It was to be a bright spot in a miserable week. Cold War you ask? Well, MSU was playing a hockey game outdoors at Spartan Stadium. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cold_War_(ice_hockey) It was a big deal you see. Wouldn’t you know it, we didn’t ever really get to watch it because BB was rushed to the ICU hours before it started and things just didn’t go the way we had planned. I could go on and on here but I know we were all “there” together.

 

Every year as the season changes to fall, it all comes back. Sometimes it is bad, really bad. Sometimes it is a constant, dull ache. The sound of windchimes, once it is cold out, reminds me of those lonely nights at my house in ‘01. Lying in bed and hearing mine bang the metal posts of my porch. That creates an anxiety all of its own. The furnace kicking on does the same. Strange, huh? Can you relate?

 

I used to go to the cemetary every single day after he died. I thought, if he were alive I would be with him everyday. Why should this be any different? Sometimes I would just sit there. Amazingly, during the really bad times, someone would show up out of no where. I know they must have been grieving all the same but you really should know just how much that meant to me- to have you there.

 

One time I was trying to assemble a desk at home and I could not do it- I was so frustrated. I just started sobbing because I was thinking if BB had been there, I wouldn’t be having to do it alone. I was so overwhelmed with so many things that the very smallest thing would set me off. I couldn’t take it. And then, there was my friend, popping in for a visit when he lived 25 minutes away. Hugs to you, my friend.

 

I don’t know your personal feelings or beliefs on something like this but I know that BB visited me after he died. It happened the first time that I was alone in my house. I was waking up from sleeping and I know he was there. I know he was telling me goodbye. I can’t explain it. I didn’t see him, I felt him. I sound like a quack here, but that is how it was. That experience has helped me more than you can imagine. I know he is ‘okay’. 

 

Did you know that at the funeral home during the viewing that a flower arrangement toppled over all on its own off of a stand? Seriously, do you remember all of those flowers? The thing misses all the others and just hits the floor. Oddly enough it was from someone that BB didn’t think too highly of (not family or friends). Heh. Anyone remember that happening? BB’s good buddy was up doing the guard thing at that time and my mom had just walked up to talk to him (by not talking to him directly) and said his name as BB used to (like the character on South Park that says “TIMMY!”). Tell me that was just all a coincidence…

 

Okay, enough of the death stuff.

 

I love him. 

 

I love him like you can’t even imagine.

 

There isn’t one day that I don’t think of him.

 

I still wear my rings and am proud to have his last name.

 

BB taught me so much in the time we were together, even still I suppose. He was a caring person and a gentle man. He had a love for life and his family and was a home-body (like someone else I know). 

 

More about us…

BB had dated a girl for about 3 mos. (his longest relationship) in the time before me. My dating record was pretty much the same. He and I met in a Geography class at community college. As it turned out, I thought he was hot… I watched him reach forward to help with the projector one day and his shirt went up a bit and I was like OH MY (TMI for family, I know). I told my friend that I liked this guy and she walked by one day to see who it was and low and behold it was someone she knew and had been in a class with the previous semester. We planned it out the next class day for her to come in to see me and then sort of introduce us. After that introductory day, he sat by me for the rest of the semester which was about a week or so. HA. Being the introvert that I am, I was freaking out because I wanted him to ask me out. I decided that after our final exam, I was going to say something to him. I was a nervous wreck. I had to time our finishing our exams and stuff. So, as we are walking to the parking ramp I ask him if he wants to do something sometime. He responds with “Yeah, give me your number and you can talk to *my friend’s name* and we can cook something up”. WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN? I gave him my number but then worried that he didn’t like me since he wanted my friend to come too?! He called me a few days later and there was no talk of her so I was relieved! Maybe he had just been nervous?

 

He hugged me after our second date at Don Pablos. Woohoo (another BB thing)!

 

Things took off from there. We were engaged on my birthday in 2000 and married in 2001.

 

Of course it isn’t all that concise and yes, we had 2 really bad arguments over things I don’t even remember. I know that when BB got really mad, he threw his hat across the room. Once was in college and the other on 7/28/01. I know because I took a picture of the flowers he bought me afterward.   We had a good relationship. I could go on and on.

 

My questions to you…

 

How did you meet him?

Will you share a funny memory of him?

A sentimental memory?

Any special habits you remember that he had?

Any little known facts about him?

What was something that he did for you or said to you?

What was something you remember that he loved?

 

 

As if I haven’t rambled on long enough, I’ll start.

 

 

Will you share a funny memory of him?

BB thought he was really funny. I mean he was funny and all but I remember one time when we were at his mom and dad’s house all hanging in the dining room and he and his brother were talking about something. BB always became suddenly more witty in situations like that and I just remember laughing so hard. Like, where did THIS guy come from?

 

A sentimental memory? 

You know how you can say you are happy for someone when something good happens for them? That even though you really are happy for them that it is just more of a superficial type of response?  I remember the first time that I felt happy for someone and felt it so deep down that it was ridiculous. While BB was in the police academy, he had a bit of difficulty passing one of this shooting tests. I think it was a 15ft test. If he hadn’t of passed that, he would have failed. It was his 3rd and final attempt. It was so stressful. Anyway, when he finished that day, he came over and I heard the door open and rushed out when I saw it was him because I was worried. I could tell he had passed and we just hugged and I was so proud and so happy. It was like we were being given the go ahead to our future. The last hurdle was in the past.This is something I have always thought about. I don’t think I did it justice by describing it.

 

Any special habits you remember that BB had?

 He learned to twirl his pencil like Tom Cruise did in Top Gun. He did it all the time. He also bit his nails.

 

Any little known facts about him?

 He slept with his red rubber gun the night before the shoot thing mentioned above. He said he always slept with the football in high school the night before a game and it seemed to work…

 

We were going to name our daughter, when we had one, Kaeley Jo.

 

He loved pizza.

And licorice.

And POP.

 

What was something that he did for you or said to you?

BB was my hero. He was my best friend. He was my strength. He was my world.  Using the word was here has made me get a bit too philosophical. I will stop thinking. 

 

 

Anything else you would like to add? I hope to hear from you. It means a lot to me when people ask me questions about BB. I like to talk about him. I know a handful of you never got to actually meet him but I figured you might like to read all the mumbo jumbo.

 

Love and hugs to everyone. (I made it through, no tears!)

 

The day has passed.

So, I didn’t do the in memoriam ad after all.

My friend gave me the idea to start an email to friends/family and to have people answer some questions and share their memories of my DH. It was a fabulous plan. Instead of focusing on all the negative stuff, I got to read about him through others. I will eventually post some of that stuff here but it will take some time to sort and edit through it all.

This was the first year that I haven’t been out of my mind during the seasonal change and the deathaversary. I think having the baby helped to keep my mind occupied but you just never know when it will pop up.

Two strange things happened the day before the 7th.

1. One of our smoke alarms started beeping as if it needed new batteries. Then it stopped. Then it started again. FRU got it down and took out the old battery to make it stop beeping. Um, no. It kept beeping for another half hour or so. I am not sure how that is possible but who knows?!

2. Since it is late, I am drawing a blank on the 2nd thing. I will try and remember and post it later. What a space cadet am I?!