I’m just saying…

I miss you.

Woke up extra early today. Laid in bed thinking about you. I noticed I was laying in the same spot and position as you had been in a pic I have of you back at our house.

So then I started thinking of that opening line to the book. I decided a working title could be something like “My Heart”. Then I considered opening with something to do with the aftermath stuff. I mean, the negligence. Or something to do with my feelings as I was to be called or something dramatic about looking out at the room/people blah blah blah. It always sounds really good and intriguing in my head.

Today is the day that Biffy died. It bites me. I also thought of her as I laid in bed. About the bagel she asked her dad to share with her that morning as the sun was rising. About how he declined and regretted it later. On something, it said that the time she died was 10:41a. Whether it was or not, that is more often than not, the time that it is when I look at a clock. It is ridiculous and makes me mad because it is like a small form of punishment. Pretty much daily.

I remember when she died. I called you. You were working. I can’t remember if you didn’t offer or if you were unable to come to me. I sort of think it was a combo of the two. You reacted in such a surprising way– not really understanding or compassionate. The next day I think of looking out the window and just crying. I feel like it was raining but later that day as I drove up north, it was dry so I am not sure.

The green paint.

The stories.

Her mom outside when we arrived and she was wandering around her yard. Upon seeing us, she just started sobbing. So ridiculously painful.

Today though, not common for the last eight years, I was looking forward to today. There is a special event tonight. I am so happy. Hopefully the memories from tonight will help to put a new light onto things. I think that was probably suppose to be the case six years ago today as well but it wasn’t me getting the gift that day.

This is all rather unfortunate. And so very sad.

I love you.