Just Married.

Been thinking a lot about looking back at pictures from Cancun. So I did. I was really, really struck by how freaking fat I looked. In my head I didn’t think I was that heavy then.

Here is a really long preface to the next point.

BB’s grandpa died in 12/00. We had to buy something for him to wear to the funeral. We bought a really nice light navy blue dress shirt with a super cool tie to match. He wore it again in May of 01 to a friend’s wedding. I have a picture of him in it from that day. I remember how handsome he looked and how he seemed to feel nice wearing it.

<SIGH>

When deciding what to send up to the funeral home for him to be buried in, I went with that same get up. His corduroy pants and his American Eagle shoes (bowling pin undies if you must know). But I had sort of forgotten about the undershirt I sent to them. Until I looked through those pictures. I had taken a shot of the BB’s back while still on our honeymoon. The hotel had given us matching shirts that had these flamingos on them and it said “Just Married” across the back on top of the picture. Well, that is the shirt I had them put underneath the blue dress shirt.

I had a rather obnoxious reaction to these pictures yesterday. I was so nauseous. I thought for sure I was going to vomit.

I didn’t. I did shed some tears but that is par for the course.

I didn’t want to forget again. So there you have it.

Certain days.

You know, there are days that just stick in your memory. The kind of days where you remember exactly what you were doing, where you were, what the weather was like… Today is one of those days. I mean, it was. Eight years ago today.

To all of the individuals who suddenly found themselves to be widows/widowers on September 11, 2001, my heart hurts for you. I hope that the path you have found yourselves on has had some happiness. For our whole country will always remember the unspeakable tragedy of that time but your lives, your futures, your dreams were changed in one instant on that day.

The day was Tuesday

The skies were bright blue

My love was sleeping after a long night’s work

GMA suddenly reports that the first tower had been hit.

I woke up BB, we watched in horror together on that green couch.

I had to get ready for work and was in the shower when the plane went down in PA.

That day changed everything. Looking back now, it is just one of those things that defined that horrible period in my life.

I really wish it wasn’t re-lived on the media every single year. I could do without that.

First choice.

It is funny how stuff creeps up. I think this is because I am currently trying to get pregnant and for one reason or another, it isn’t working out. So, I get all bitter, quite introverted (more so than normal) and angry.

I listened to a friend tell me how much he loves his wife and how much he enjoys his marriage. I see it in other couples too- the complacency, happiness, the normalcy, the love. I was just looking at a picture of someone I have never really known but known of for many, many years. She was with her significant other in the picture looking happy and relaxed.

While that is fabulous, it makes me angry.

I realize that I am really in this family making mode. That is what I have always wanted. Babies. A family. While I have a loving husband and an almost 2 year old, I still miss out on that whole happy, loving, normal, relaxed marriage thing. I suppose it isn’t to say that I am not in a happy, loving relationship. It just isn’t with my BB.

As I write this I feel like it sounds spoiled. Many people don’t end up with the person they think they love and want to be with forever. That for whatever the reason, it ends and they find themselves with the love of their life years later and realize it was all meant to work out the way that it did.

Except, that just isn’t me. The owner of a ginormous hole that just can’t be filled. It seems as though it is something I will never come to terms with and that is just a depressing thought. I want that same happiness I see that others have. I know the difference, I had it once.

I guess I just have to figure out a way to deal with that.