Guilt all the way to God

I can still feel guilt for not posting “Happy Birthday” on his birthday, right?

Seriously, I have to let go of these things.

Since a reader asked, BB stands for “Buddy Boy”. I think I typed it somewhere in here a long time ago.

I am sorry that I sucketh with updates. Home life is SO busy with a toddler. Work filtered out blogs so I can no longer post there which is what I had done in the past. I try and keep this quiet at home. I guess it is like my own little private journal.

I think I have been taking the approach lately of not trying to think of things. Well either that or I simply don’t need to think of things. When we were in the area as of late, FRU suggested a visit to the cemetery. I DID NOT want to go. That is unlike me which is why I am going with the trying not to think of things option.

January is a big month for BB’s family. His birthday, his brother’s, his Grandpa’s, his mom’s and his niece’s are all within about 2 weeks of each other. This means lots of family time. We already had the Christmas celebration and the other niece’s birthday just last month. I am surely seeing lots of them!

FRU had a meltdown when we traveled over the holidays. He is still grieving his mom who passed away a few months before BB. He has pretty much coped with it in unhealthy ways and will begin counseling tomorrow which is a GREAT thing. I have high hopes for some positive changes in that respect.

Not to get too spiritual or anything but I do believe in God, have a personal relationship with Jesus… I have sort of had a message driven home to me in different ways lately. I feel like it is just the tip of the iceberg though in regard to what I am about to learn.

Here goes…

We bought a house just before we got married. I thought it was a good decision. I was pretty happy in the house for 4-5 mos.  I was fairly happy in the area although it was far from work. It is pretty, it is was new. But for the last 2 years, I have mostly HATED it here. I feel trapped. I dislike the neighborhood, dislike the area, dislike the commute to work and dislike being so far from any support system on either side of the “family”.  Mostly I focus on how crappy it is that we will never get out of here as the housing crash hit just after we purchased this place and the builder cannot fill this phase let alone the next 2 that he has committed to build. So, people trying to sell their now used homes have to compete with the builder’s new models and all-the-time-lowering prices. Add to that the complete economic breakdown of our state and country and our house is worth a whole lot less than what we paid for it. To sell it and move to a more favorable place, we would lose our butts and have no $$ left for a down payment elsewhere. I know it isn’t the end of the world but please consider the money in this house comes straight out of the aforementioned aftermath. I just can’t see blowing that away.

So, we are stuck. Trapped!

It occurred to me the other day that everything happens for a reason. Yes, even the widow in me can own up to that one. That our living in this very house, in this very area, so despised- is for some kind of reason. Then our pastor started talking about the treasure principle- you can’t take it with you and such. That God has a plan, a purpose for my life. Maybe HE tried to tell us it wasn’t the right choice, maybe HE didn’t. Regardless, he knows the outcome of this move. Maybe HE will direct us to move and bite the financial bullet at some point. I know I don’t think I want to be here too much longer but maybe that isn’t what HE wants for me/us.  We are here now. We have been blessed with a roof, heat, jobs, family and so much more. So it isn’t a more modest (yeah, I hope for a smaller house next), older ranch home with brick on its’ exterior. It doesn’t have a fancy tub for me to lounge in or a fenced yard and storage shed for all our junk. There is no finished basement or a view of the lake. I pray that I hear loud and clear when I need to move on.

Keep your fingers crossed on that one.

The Aftermath

Anger? Or is it fear? Sadness? My emotions are all mixed up.

A few days ago I talked with someone on the phone that I didn’t expect to talk to. I only knew this person because of my husband’s death and the aftermath. I used to get all shaky when someone asked to me recount something from the hours before his death. I think I got over that but found I can still get shaky even after all these years when I am forced to think about that aftermath stuff.  The conversation really bothered me but he was never even brought up once. So, that is where it began. He has been in my thoughts for days. Heavily and not always at the right times. It really is an awkward thing when you are being intimate with someone and thinking of an experience with someone else. Ever happen to you?

Today I came across a name. I am SURE I know this name or this person from some place. Hours later I got to thinking that quite possibly it was the name of a nurse that cared for my husband and screwed us over in that aftermath stuff. I spent 20 minutes or so digging through his chart for the last name. I knew the first name was the same. Turns out it wasn’t her and I am relieved in so many ways that you don’t even know. Of course, looking through the chart brings up stuff and churns it all around. The strip showing his heart problems at the end or all of the times the word ‘expired’ was on there. How about the highlighted areas my mom came up with about questionable things in that chart. It is all quite lovely. Apparently they inserted a central line one minute before he died. Never knew that before. How long would they have worked on him? His dad made them stop when they did and knowing that they were just about to try something else makes me wonder and fall in the deep dark hole full of would of/could of/maybe/might have and ifs.  

So sad.

But, it is hard to be sad and think of these things when life is continuing anyway. At the time I was tearing that chart apart, I was suppose to be helping feed my child. What is the matter with me?! It is all so jumbled up. The thoughts are swirling. Sometimes I worry about what I type here and who might come across it but then again, it has been weeks since I started this blog and not one person has read it besides myself.