Old friends

About two weeks ago BB’s best friend was in from out of state visiting BB’s family. I made it a point to pop in to see him. He has had a rough go of it with the loss of his mother too. He didn’t look all that great to me. Seemed tired or worn out or something. We finally got a chance to talk one on one and he told me how the last years have gone for him. I gave him my email and he said he would get in touch when he got back home.

He was true to his word and we have been exchanging emails since. He said some of the most touching things to me in his last email. Some of it I have heard before but coming from BB’s bestest bud, it just meant so much more. He also answered the email questions and I will get to that sometime soon. I hope we are able to keep up with each other. I know BB would be proud.

More to come later. Gotta run for now.

my original email

*Although I fully intend for you to actually read this, there are questions at the bottom I want you to answer if you either a) can’t deal at the moment or b) aren’t much of a reader*

 

As I sat here checking the contacts for this email, my heart began to race and my hands began to tremble. You know, those sorts of things that happen when you become anxious and feel like you want to faint. Yup, that’s me.

 

Today, marks the 7th anniversary of BB’s departure from our lives. How can it possibly have been seven years? In some ways it seems like it was 2 minutes ago and in others as if it has been about 289 years.

 

Anyhoot-

 

In 2002, I decided to put an ‘in memoriam’ ad in the Journal. This will be the first year that I have not done so. You see, every year, I become a crazy person trying to figure out the “perfect” blurb to send in. I feel the pressure to say so much in too few words and it never says enough. Plus, I get wrapped up with the whole who is it exactly that I am writing to? Does anyone even notice? Does it matter? It seems like it should be addressed to BB himself but I figured that if he can read his ‘in memoriam’ ad then he is probably right on top of email and would appreciate it all the same.   My dear friend has been bombarded with me asking her what to write about and has to listen to me complain about the whole thing for weeks proceeding doomsday. This year she asked me why. Why do I do it? I told her something like this…

 

I don’t want people thinking that I have forgotten. That just because I go about my days and live my life that he is very far from my thoughts or anything that I do. That if I could rewind and change a billion things, that I absolutely would.

 

She simply asked me if I was doing it for the right reasons and I realized, I am not. She suggested starting something new and even helped with some ideas for this very novel you are reading. And so it goes… Will you take part in remembering BB with me? I would love it if you would add to this email with your own thoughts/experiences/memories. It would be especially neat if I could share your comments with others as they are collected. Please let me know if this is okay.

 

The ugly…

Leukemia can bite my crank (a BB saying). On 10/6/01 whilst in the hospital, BB and I had planned to watch the Cold War.  It was to be a bright spot in a miserable week. Cold War you ask? Well, MSU was playing a hockey game outdoors at Spartan Stadium. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cold_War_(ice_hockey) It was a big deal you see. Wouldn’t you know it, we didn’t ever really get to watch it because BB was rushed to the ICU hours before it started and things just didn’t go the way we had planned. I could go on and on here but I know we were all “there” together.

 

Every year as the season changes to fall, it all comes back. Sometimes it is bad, really bad. Sometimes it is a constant, dull ache. The sound of windchimes, once it is cold out, reminds me of those lonely nights at my house in ‘01. Lying in bed and hearing mine bang the metal posts of my porch. That creates an anxiety all of its own. The furnace kicking on does the same. Strange, huh? Can you relate?

 

I used to go to the cemetary every single day after he died. I thought, if he were alive I would be with him everyday. Why should this be any different? Sometimes I would just sit there. Amazingly, during the really bad times, someone would show up out of no where. I know they must have been grieving all the same but you really should know just how much that meant to me- to have you there.

 

One time I was trying to assemble a desk at home and I could not do it- I was so frustrated. I just started sobbing because I was thinking if BB had been there, I wouldn’t be having to do it alone. I was so overwhelmed with so many things that the very smallest thing would set me off. I couldn’t take it. And then, there was my friend, popping in for a visit when he lived 25 minutes away. Hugs to you, my friend.

 

I don’t know your personal feelings or beliefs on something like this but I know that BB visited me after he died. It happened the first time that I was alone in my house. I was waking up from sleeping and I know he was there. I know he was telling me goodbye. I can’t explain it. I didn’t see him, I felt him. I sound like a quack here, but that is how it was. That experience has helped me more than you can imagine. I know he is ‘okay’. 

 

Did you know that at the funeral home during the viewing that a flower arrangement toppled over all on its own off of a stand? Seriously, do you remember all of those flowers? The thing misses all the others and just hits the floor. Oddly enough it was from someone that BB didn’t think too highly of (not family or friends). Heh. Anyone remember that happening? BB’s good buddy was up doing the guard thing at that time and my mom had just walked up to talk to him (by not talking to him directly) and said his name as BB used to (like the character on South Park that says “TIMMY!”). Tell me that was just all a coincidence…

 

Okay, enough of the death stuff.

 

I love him. 

 

I love him like you can’t even imagine.

 

There isn’t one day that I don’t think of him.

 

I still wear my rings and am proud to have his last name.

 

BB taught me so much in the time we were together, even still I suppose. He was a caring person and a gentle man. He had a love for life and his family and was a home-body (like someone else I know). 

 

More about us…

BB had dated a girl for about 3 mos. (his longest relationship) in the time before me. My dating record was pretty much the same. He and I met in a Geography class at community college. As it turned out, I thought he was hot… I watched him reach forward to help with the projector one day and his shirt went up a bit and I was like OH MY (TMI for family, I know). I told my friend that I liked this guy and she walked by one day to see who it was and low and behold it was someone she knew and had been in a class with the previous semester. We planned it out the next class day for her to come in to see me and then sort of introduce us. After that introductory day, he sat by me for the rest of the semester which was about a week or so. HA. Being the introvert that I am, I was freaking out because I wanted him to ask me out. I decided that after our final exam, I was going to say something to him. I was a nervous wreck. I had to time our finishing our exams and stuff. So, as we are walking to the parking ramp I ask him if he wants to do something sometime. He responds with “Yeah, give me your number and you can talk to *my friend’s name* and we can cook something up”. WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN? I gave him my number but then worried that he didn’t like me since he wanted my friend to come too?! He called me a few days later and there was no talk of her so I was relieved! Maybe he had just been nervous?

 

He hugged me after our second date at Don Pablos. Woohoo (another BB thing)!

 

Things took off from there. We were engaged on my birthday in 2000 and married in 2001.

 

Of course it isn’t all that concise and yes, we had 2 really bad arguments over things I don’t even remember. I know that when BB got really mad, he threw his hat across the room. Once was in college and the other on 7/28/01. I know because I took a picture of the flowers he bought me afterward.   We had a good relationship. I could go on and on.

 

My questions to you…

 

How did you meet him?

Will you share a funny memory of him?

A sentimental memory?

Any special habits you remember that he had?

Any little known facts about him?

What was something that he did for you or said to you?

What was something you remember that he loved?

 

 

As if I haven’t rambled on long enough, I’ll start.

 

 

Will you share a funny memory of him?

BB thought he was really funny. I mean he was funny and all but I remember one time when we were at his mom and dad’s house all hanging in the dining room and he and his brother were talking about something. BB always became suddenly more witty in situations like that and I just remember laughing so hard. Like, where did THIS guy come from?

 

A sentimental memory? 

You know how you can say you are happy for someone when something good happens for them? That even though you really are happy for them that it is just more of a superficial type of response?  I remember the first time that I felt happy for someone and felt it so deep down that it was ridiculous. While BB was in the police academy, he had a bit of difficulty passing one of this shooting tests. I think it was a 15ft test. If he hadn’t of passed that, he would have failed. It was his 3rd and final attempt. It was so stressful. Anyway, when he finished that day, he came over and I heard the door open and rushed out when I saw it was him because I was worried. I could tell he had passed and we just hugged and I was so proud and so happy. It was like we were being given the go ahead to our future. The last hurdle was in the past.This is something I have always thought about. I don’t think I did it justice by describing it.

 

Any special habits you remember that BB had?

 He learned to twirl his pencil like Tom Cruise did in Top Gun. He did it all the time. He also bit his nails.

 

Any little known facts about him?

 He slept with his red rubber gun the night before the shoot thing mentioned above. He said he always slept with the football in high school the night before a game and it seemed to work…

 

We were going to name our daughter, when we had one, Kaeley Jo.

 

He loved pizza.

And licorice.

And POP.

 

What was something that he did for you or said to you?

BB was my hero. He was my best friend. He was my strength. He was my world.  Using the word was here has made me get a bit too philosophical. I will stop thinking. 

 

 

Anything else you would like to add? I hope to hear from you. It means a lot to me when people ask me questions about BB. I like to talk about him. I know a handful of you never got to actually meet him but I figured you might like to read all the mumbo jumbo.

 

Love and hugs to everyone. (I made it through, no tears!)

 

The day has passed.

So, I didn’t do the in memoriam ad after all.

My friend gave me the idea to start an email to friends/family and to have people answer some questions and share their memories of my DH. It was a fabulous plan. Instead of focusing on all the negative stuff, I got to read about him through others. I will eventually post some of that stuff here but it will take some time to sort and edit through it all.

This was the first year that I haven’t been out of my mind during the seasonal change and the deathaversary. I think having the baby helped to keep my mind occupied but you just never know when it will pop up.

Two strange things happened the day before the 7th.

1. One of our smoke alarms started beeping as if it needed new batteries. Then it stopped. Then it started again. FRU got it down and took out the old battery to make it stop beeping. Um, no. It kept beeping for another half hour or so. I am not sure how that is possible but who knows?!

2. Since it is late, I am drawing a blank on the 2nd thing. I will try and remember and post it later. What a space cadet am I?!

Procrastinating a bit.

I have not yet submitted the thing for the paper. I just can’t seem to do it. If I don’t do it today, there will be troubles with print dates and such so I HAVE to do it now. UGH.

I woke up this AM feeling those feelings of dread. I dreamt about him although it was a weird dream. The feelings were there but I didn’t really spend time with him. Makes me so sad.

I have been doing fairly well keeping those ‘7 years ago today I was…’ thoughts out of my head. Yeah, me!

There are things to do today so that should help to keep my mind straight. Or not. We’ll see.

Really.

The way your hair used to be after being under a hat all day

so soft.

The way that your green eyes smiled

at me.

Though it has been nearly 7 long years

it is like yesterday.

There are so many thoughts I have

no one to tell.

Seven years ago tomorrow

you gave me a special birthday gift.

Then you went to work

to protect and serve.

I wish I could have kept you at home

with me

and protected you from it all.

Saying ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you’

doesn’t cut it.

What will I do without you?

Really.

Incomplete.

As I laid in bed last night, I started to think about what buddy boy’s arms looked like. At first, I couldn’t conjure up the memory. As I thought about it though, there they were. Strong.

I suppose that and the fact that today is his dad’s birthday brought him to me in my dreams last night. I remember looking at shirts or something and he was with me. It is always funny how in my dreams I am very aware of the fact that he isn’t *suppose* to be “alive”. I remember telling him to come into my room with me. He assumed I had something to tell him. I just wanted to be close. I remember kissing him. It was like coming home.

My baby boy crying through the monitor brought me right back to reality. As I have tried to process this since waking, I can’t quite get my head around it. I miss him beyond words. I miss his touch, I miss holding hands. Funny how I can still remember exactly what that feels like. He had really big palms and shorter fingers where my palms are pretty average with longer fingers. We held hands a lot.

After listening to FRU attend to the baby, I wanted to not be alone with these thoughts anymore. He came back to our bedroom and I told him I needed a hug. He kept asking ‘is everything alright?’ I wanted to break down and start sobbing but I held it in and told him why I felt bad. He said, ‘you love him very much’ or something like that. How awkward. I did cry a bit after he got in the shower. It is just so hard.

———————————————————————————

Every year I put an ‘in memorium’ piece in the hometown newspaper. Each year I have struggled to find things to say. I HATE it that they charge so much and I have, at this point, decided not to let them take advantage of me. Every year I have run a picture with some kind of saying and of course the dates. I do not want to spend all of that money. I am procrastinating about it but will have to make a decision soon.

The right obituary.

Never knew how the whole obituary thing actually worked. I have long enjoyed reading them. Weird, I know. My friends say I am like an old person. That is true in so many ways-  another story, another day. Well, the day we went to the FH to do the FH sorts of things, the guy who was helping us (went to school with buddy boy) started asking for the facts and so forth for the obit. Lovely. I have always hated how they say so and so died. It makes you wonder, WHAT FROM? HOW? Buddy Boy’s ended up being no different. I told them I would supply the picture for the paper. That is where we are heading today.

I figured I would use one of the pics from our wedding proofs since they were pretty much the most recent phots we had. I found my fav of the 2 of us and asked a friend to take it up to the paper. In all my anger and sadness, I decided I wanted them to run it as it was- both of us. I thought since we never got to put our marriage announcement and pic in the paper that this was the next best thing. I was pretty excited to see it actually. So, someone brings it up to me at the FH the first day (viewing). I was SO ticked… they had cropped me out entirely. Oh my. It was like a whole can of salt being poured into my bleeding open wound. Somehow someone took care of it and the next day the obit pic was changed to the one of us both. I felt better about it but still. I bet people probably thought I was off my rocker. Made perfect sense to me at the time and I don’t regret it now.

Oh the sadness.

8-26-01

Now the six week countdown begins.

I made the trip to be with you, buddy boy. Sorry there was so much separating us on a day we should have been celebrating together.

On a lighter note, visted the fam last week. They are doing well. The girls are getting so big.

Keep an eye on my LO, okay? Love you.

Remembering

Happy what would-of-should-of-been your 7 year anniversary, Biff.

September 28, 2001

I had this job. I worked for a library system. There were something like 18 branches at the time. I would get my work schedule and be assigned to any which one whatever day of the week. I did have some I worked more regularly than others.

So, on 9/28,  I started off for work. Buddy Boy was asleep after a crazy work shift. I arrived at work but shortly thereafter was called to go to one of my favorite branches because they were short staffed. That particular branch was closest to home. Anyhoot, sometime during the day, I had that weird sense that my DH was near (strange but true). I look up and there he is walking toward me. It struck me that he looked so horribly pale and obviously something was wrong. We walked out into the glass corridor and he told me that he had just been called into the doc’s office (what, 25 min. north of our home?) and told they thought he had leukemia and that he was suppose to go to the hospital immediately. He came to tell/get me. I wondered how he knew where I was working- I guess my boss had called the house to move me but I had already left. I brought him with me into the break room, called my supervisor (she said, ‘go, go’) and went home to pack his stuff. They said we might be there for just the weekend, maybe longer.

 At that point we had NO idea what we were dealing with. So innocent, so naive. I wish we would have stayed there longer. I wish we would have talked about things. That was the last time he was ever home. The last time we would be home together.

I think about how he had all that time to drive to and from the doc’s office thinking. What did he think? I bet he was scared. I think it is rather crappy that they didn’t have him bring someone with him when he went in for the results. What were THEY thinking? We had to drive two cars home from the library. More time for him to think. I wonder if he was still trying to be positive or should I say oblivious or if that was the beginning of the pessimism?

I just realized that I am pondering how he was thinking and feeling. That has been something I said I would never be able to do because it is too painful… I just can’t handle thinking about what his thoughts must have been when his heart stopped beating. Ouchie. Leaving that for another day. Maybe the pressure in my chest will have subsided by then?